d00fy's blog

 

Me being all ready, primed, and jolly an shit, I tipped the coat check chick (She's got a great smile) so my shit didn't go missing, the doorman hooked me up with a bunch of tickets, so I hand it to her. I proceed to the main bar at which point I lose Newf. Fucking guy. Ah well he's somewhere, he's got to get up in 4 hours anyways, he'll be motivated to find me.

 

After many bumps, stiff sholders, straight arms and shovesies, I part the herds of eleventeen year old skanks with their much older Johns at a rapid rate. I meet up with cutie blonde waitress #1 working next to My Bartender. The line up was huge and I instantly (briefly) thought of the gentlemen's motto "ladies first". Well there were way too many broads in line, and none of them look respectably lady-like so I proceed to cut them off and get 4 shots and 2 beer chasers while they continued to wait in a line that just got bigger. I asked My Bartender "WHERE ARE THE NICE GIRLS AT?!". He gave a half ass glance around the abdundant legions of skanks and a few fat chicks. He laughs and shouts back "THERE ARE NONE!!! hahahaha". The skanks closet to me weren't impressed, but they didn't bother pretending to be insulted, they knew better then thinking I cared.

 

 

We down the drinks and head to the ATM... There's so many drunks and stumbly bitches\Johns that I don't have patience for, so I pick up the pace. While first tapping them on the bicept I shove their ass over if they don't budge, otherwise I'll plow through. I tap some tall guy on the arm, as he keeps abruptly stopping like asians drive. He doesn't budge, and he's a big fuckin' guy, so I jam my fingers in between his shoulder (anterior deltoid) and pectorial (armpit\bicept) and move him aside. He yells "HEY" (I figured he was just pissed cause I hit a pressure point\shoved him, amongst the many others). I keep pace with a wicked smirk, at which point he yells "WATCH IT YOU CUNT!". I laugh and agree "ok, son.". Newfie's still  in tow... Somewhere... Fucking Mr.Nice guy.

 

Newf tells me that was Agent Orange, an associate of ours that I just shoved, and then gave the cold shoulder to. Oops. Agent Orange is the nicest fucking bouncer there too, he was off duty and drinking, my bad. When randoms yell "HEY!" in my general direction (right at me) I just assume they got their panties in a twist because they ignored my curtious initial bicept tap and they got the pulled\shoved aside. Road rules, learn to respect them. Apparently I should have checked out his reaction, Newf said it was priceless when he extended his hand as I kept on truckin. We hit up the ATM.

 

Having a love hate line of communication with blonde waitress #2 on the opposite end of the club. We walk up to their side bar and spot the 2nd blonde and a brunette waitress, we strike up yimmer yammer with the brunette and I brush of the blonde cause she's got an attitude (Which is pretty hot, and although I usually bust on her, I simply decided it would be more energy effecient not to converse with her, I've got 15 minutes before last call, we can bitch each other out at closing).

 

She mentions that her computer is fucked, and that she is too clueless to fix it. Newf being the nice guy, and IT guy he's bites the hook and gets reeled in. Seeing this sad display of Nice Guy Syndrome I give Newf the IT guy some pearls of wisdom - that he wants nothing of.

 

Point A) "You're an idiot. Don't give her your number, you get hers." He babbles on about her having a bf and she didn't want to him to call and she said this and that, blah blah blah, and she might lose the number in the move, so blah blah blah.

 

After he did that I moved on to Point B) "Fuck her before you fix the computer". We get more shots from the brunette while hearing the cute blonde #2 talk shit. I'd fuck her good but she'd have to zip her lips. Apparently  smirking, checking our her assets, and not even saying so much as "Hi" has upset her. Whatever I'm in a rush princess. Newf disregards what I tell him, and gives her his number, so I tap shot glasses and drink it without him and we head up stairs and hit up the 3rd bar, get some more beers and head to begin formation of what should be the place to be.

 

Someone pulls the fire alarm, you can barely hear it in the music. MGMT and security crowd an emergency door that triggered it, 20 feet away I'm smoking up. Exhailing into a big fuckin' fan down the the main bar it wasn't scenting the upstairs at all. I was casual about it, nobody batted an eye, cute skanks were checking our shit out as we were drinking an talking. Out of no where some fucking scavenger lands in the place to be and starts blabbering on about bud and how he's a self proclaimed genius. He was clueless, I wasn't listening. I gave him the sparked fat roach and he starts surveying the crowd as he's blowing the smoke at everyone that's walking by, expecting him to fuck off after the hit. He passes it back - just as a bouncer makes a v-line to us.

 

He comes up and asked how I was doing.

 

"Great! And you?" I ask.

 

"Yeah I see that.. That's great... About that...", As he stares at the roach that's back in my hand.

 

"..Ah.. Want me to knock it off, huh?"

 

"Heh.. Yeah, you should know better man".

 

"I do. I didn't mean to impose. My bad." I did and didn't care less.

 

"I'm going to have to ask you to put that out and get out of here man".

 

The scavenger tries talking his drunken ass out of the situation, where as I inhale another hit, put the joint out in my hand and finish the remainder of my beer. Nodding to Newf I get with the mozying. The scavenger sometime later realizes I walked off and some how catches up as I'm walking out, and starts begging for weed. It was pathetic. I threw the bent roach at him and let him know he needed to shut the fuck up.

 

 

Well at least this 19r old got his tard ass booted out of the theatre for disrupting a movie. I hate it when people who aren't me ruin movies for others, irregardless of how shitty that film is. The catch, he got a private screening cause his mom cried foul to the media. Fuck her. You want to get a sweet luxorious parking spot complete with a self portrait, that's fine, but when you participate in joining a public venue, you've got to share equal responsibility and keep your mental offspring quiet. I get booted out for being obnoxiouly loud, so why do you think you're special? You're kid my be loud, dumb, ugly and crippled but I've come to realize you're the retard.

 

Although this doesn't have the same luster as nacho cheese, coming to the theatres loaded with a pocket full of pennies is a cheaper alternative. Hearing that satisfying *clank* as it banks off some retards abnormally large cranium is an extremely satisfying. If you wait until a "sad" moment in a comedy, it can be hilarious as everyone thinks the tard's crying over the movie.

 

~D

Well it was bound to happen sooner than later...  My antics were mentioned on the Local Country Radio Station 93.7 (Country sucks!). I was nominated for" tacky behaviour". Apparently unprovoked hostile behaviour to someone I have known for 20 years has been conceived as "tacky". This contestant won hands down, and all it took was him telling his story on the air about me shooting him in the man pleasurer with an airsoft gun (300 fps ) from 5 feet away. What'd he win? Nothing. But he says he has a wicked bruise on his cack.

 

Enough of this "I don't have 20/20 vision" bullshit.

I'm hearing that more and more often, and quite frankly I'm getting sick of it. I just dropped a broad because she starched my khakis when I explicitly instructed her to firmly press them only. Don't worry about her, she'll get it right next time. Now how would I have gotten my point across if she hadn't been wearing her contacts and instead her glasses? (I know she was wearing them not because she wasn't squinting before I nailed her skull, but rather the fact that I can put two and two together. I found the contact stuck to my knuckle. Don't worry... I'll give it back. Stealing is a sin.

I'm on to you bitches.

You don't want to get struck in the face so you pull the "You can't hit me, I'm wearing glasses spiel. Well I have news for you, wearing glasses is not some fuckin' exploit for you to screw the system. They are for people who are less fortunate then you, that require them to carry out a functional life. So consider this your advanced warning, I'll punch or otherwise slap the living shit out of you whether your sporting your "vision enhancement" (scheme) or not.

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To prevent undue hardship consider this fair notice:

Due to abuse of the verbalized and mutally understood agreement we have exercised the right to serve this notice of termination based on the grounds of breach of agreement. Under no circumstances shall exceptions be granted, nor will any further notice be served after said notice is exercised. This may change without warning or notice. Consider this fair full and ample notice in all current and future circumstances.

Posted notice of breach on fair use of agreement:

The undisclosed term period of the agreement regarding individuals (or collaborative individuals in groups) wearing glasses, has been terminated effectively immediately from this point forth. Under no circumstances shall any person, of any gender, requiring the use of corneal vision enhancements (or fashional "solar spectacles") or any other usages of the term "glasses" of any kind be exempt. This is including but not limited to bi-focale and monical in nature. 

Liabilities

It stands to reason damages of materialistic and\or punative in nature, through either direct or otherwise coinsidentally related may occur as a direct or indirect result of being struck in the cranium. Under no circumstances will there be grounds for reimbursement this includes but is not limited to damaged goods, items, or lost time wages.

Consider this notice served bitches.

 ~d00fy

I'll keep this to low syllables for any of you uneducated broads trying to keep up with us. For any fat chicks who stumbled upon this looking for a cake recipe, try to stop gording out on baked goods for a couple of seconds and bare with us. You can continue grazing in your frosted chocolate meadows after you read this.

 

 

What's with girls clubbing during the winter? Wearing short ass skirts, in their stiletos, with no fuckin' coats (cause heaven forbid you have to pay by donation for a fucking coat check). They're waiting in line freezing their cunts off - and you can tell which ones don't even have those fuzzy muffs to keep them warm. That's got to be rough (well smooth I guess). And what's with the scarf? What in the fuck is that going to do? Who are you fooling? Nobody - we all know you're not sporting the underwear.

 

 

 

 

What's that silence? Is a ho-ho obstructing your airway? Good, continue to shut up, here it is, my piss off is: particularly fat chicks in tight skimpy ass clothing.  I'm not saying saunter your ass to the local Curves or Ladies Fitness a couples of hours a week, you don't have to put money down on some porker niche, perhaps just buy and wear a suitable wardrobe. It can be more stylish than say, a moo-moo, just find something that suits and fits  in a socially acceptable manner. In fact fuck society, just get something that you can fit in, without having to squeeze into that tank top and clam digger jeans, that you have to grease down with non-hydrogenated butter spray. Them shits are tight, your body isn't... Do the fucking math!

 

And what's with the belt? Fashion or function? I've heard tire blow outs and real explosions at close proximity and I haven't winced, but you really put me on edge every time you bend over. I hear the creeking of leather and I damn near drop to the deck. That god damn buckle flyin' at your fuckin' head at 50 km/h would sure dent your fucking skull. I rather take my chances nose diving into an empty pool cause then at least I'll be able to see that shit coming.

 

And one more thing, if you're not wearing tight clothes, thank you, but read on: Drawing in attention to your enormous ass with words, especially "Juicy" pasted across your sweats isn't appreciated either. Be an entrepreneur and do billboarding, don't get all trendy on us. Illiteracy and blindness is unfortunate, but sometimes I'm envious.

 

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Long story short, some broads can get away with it, others not so much. Like it or not this isn't just my opinion, it's truly consonant with others across the world. If there's any skanks out there that can give some quick tips to the other envious hoochies, be sure to leave your tricks (suggestions) behind, otherwise any other comments are always welcome. I'll leave the comments unedited as always so credit will be given where deserved, cause that's the kinda guy I am - a real fuckin' class act.

 

~Deeznuts